Thursday, December 30, 2010
The 66 and 44
I don't really know if I should tell you this, but I guess there is no reason to keep it to myself, if he`d grow wings ... I'd love to see him fly. Because I bet it's beautiful up there.
I like to watch him in a not-at-all-so-creepy way, because he's handsome, and by that I mean he's freaking gorgeous. Inside and out.
And I think if you have a person you care about, you should say this things, because people always are self-conscious and that's where all the problems start. And if you can't tell it outright, just write it.
And please don't fight. I hate seing you sad.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Air
you should know that walking on water is like making fire flow from beneath your feet.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Confessions
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The trio
He told me he loved me, but I couldn't really believe it. We are too young. Don't you know, less than 1 % of first relationships ever works? How can we possibly be that serious? How can you trust me with your heart? Aren't you scared?
And I 'm saying this as my thoughts go I love you, I love you, I love you.
As I meet you I love you,
As I touch you I love you
As I say goodbye I love you
And I feel like such a hypocrite.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
2nd day
you know what `fail` is? It's when you get happy hearing your ring tone, because you have missed his voice so freaking much, and discovering that's it's not at all his voice when you've picked up, but your friends who got the wrong number. I ust don't like this.
It's the second day i haven't seen you, so I'll tell you a secret - after tomorrow it won't matter anymore, you won't matter. because I'm always like this, 3 days is my limit, at first I'll think about you, at second I'll miss you and at third I'll get this melancholy feeling inside, but that's about it. After that you'll be out of my mind. Maybe somewhere in the background, but definitely not on the desktop. It's your choice where you want to be.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
past
But I love you anyway.
I can't help ot but to feel abondoned, you used to love my works, or at least were better at lying, but now you just don't care at all. And it's not like I don't understand, it's just that I have no idea what to do next, could i pursue the career of a writer if even my world ignores my words. Is there a way I can make a difference, my words can make a difference, if I'm all alone in here?
I guess I'm the thief, after all.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Air
he said you have wings as he said you have a soul,
and you can fly evermore
I'd fallow you to infinity
and back, i'd steal the stars and cover your skin
with sunshines.
I'd trust your path and know
it's my only way to the sky.
You are my path, there is no other
way. My wings are born from yours.
My wings are yours. I am
yours. You are the storm
that leads everyone to the clouds.
As I can reach you,
i'll fallow you.
Do not fear of loneliness, I'm right behind you.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A moment
it's beautiful outside. I mean it's autumn, and it's raining, and the leaves are wonderfully orange, and the night draws closer and closer and .. it's beautiful. The feeling this view puts inside of me is beautiful. I have no way to describe it and I have a feeling that no photo camera in this world could catch the beauty of this, so I just hope you are sitting by the window just like me and enjoying it too, if not, well, i hope there is something else that makes you happy. makes you alive.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A post
i'm getting more and more disconnected. As if the people around me can't really reach me. And i wonder if it's so easy to forget one of your closest friends, stop caring, but it's not really about that. I'm being weird and i just don't like that. So I'll just tell you a story,
there was a girl living in an up side down world, where people better had their hearts broken than actually tried to change something. So she went to places searching for the answers without defining the questions, looking for helping hands in the sky. The sun never left the sky so she never stopped believing that she'll find her teacher - someone old enough to have seen everything in this world. So she went from town to town reading her poems in little book shops, working part time in bars and making friends so strange she never thought the world has. She saw people being happy, rising their childrens, fall inlove and get married. but she also saw people more evil she ever expected, hitting, screaming, breaking, lying, even killing.
So once she asked a stranger, who weekly came to her bar, in this town she was about to leave - why did he think these things happen? Why people are so different?
And the man looked her straight in the eye and said: "it's because there are a lot of people out there, who don't really believe they have souls. And without a soul person is nothing, robot. I've seen you perform in Annie's shop, you are quite good actually, but you always sound amused, and people feel that. They feel you doubts in your voice, feel your heart in your words. But it's okay, girl. You have such a young soul, such a pretty one as a matter of fact. So make a lesson of everything your lifes throws at you. And never stop believing that you have a soul. And everything is gonna be alright. You will find what you are looking for. "
"I think i just did," she said smiling down on the stranger.
"Oh no girl, it's just the beginning, it always is."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The night
On the highroad with no lights on,
not making a sound.
I don't have a voice,
I don't have a breath.
The radio is on, but
my ears are long gone.
The night is as dark as
the lights let it be.
The stars are off, while
the night is way too black,
too strong,
they can't go through.
Wearing leather jacket,
although skin is all I have.
The heart is on power break,
the mind is on pause. relaxing.
The road will end,
the day will come,
I'll be alright.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
To be
The notes
Connection
you could tell me all the right words and I'd still be lost with all the wrong things. But you could take me by the hand and I'd never dare to get you lost too.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
A call
The sky was full of paper airplanes, and we cought every one of them as each of them brought us closer to sky.
Believe in miracles.
Best part
Friday, June 18, 2010
The thrill
Saturday, June 12, 2010
my time
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Butterfly fly
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Lines
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Antique romance
Feelings are not needed. Physically alive, but not mentally.
I am a painting trapped inside a rusted frame.
The cold skin of a statue.
Like a stuffed bird--
Killed and set for display.
I wonder...
I wonder, on whose display I will be placed..."*
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The speed limit
Dear friend,
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The morning hangover
Life is not simple at all. Especially if you are a loner. Life gives you bumpy roads of stormy night in the middle of the ocean. Life gives you hard choices and uneasy feelings and things you just can't grasp with both hands and a beating heart no matter what. Life is all about the questions in the morning hangover and the feelings of the wrong direction your destiny is taking. And it's not at all about future, no, it's for the past, the hits and touches we have had, but most of all, it's about today. So stop wasting your time marveling at made up stories off princes and roses and the perfect moments, because life will just screw you anyway.
But life is not that complicated as you fear, cause after all, it’s all about living and moving forward or backward, that’s your religion. So be sure, life will give you the most wonderful moments when you are not expecting them at all, so why don’t you stop now?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
4 seconds
The way she always reaches for his hand, but is never able to hold it with the right amount of rain.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
To save a memory
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The breaking
Still wishing
ought to be."
Dear friend,
It's funny how much we wish and how much we get hurt because they didn' t come true. But we still wish under the starry night. ANd it' s okay. For now I truly believe that if you really wish for something and are not affraid to do something in order to get it, the wish will come true. The thought somehow calms me down.
*me
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The first move
I was strong today, and because of my courege I expierienced night so much more than I ever imagined. I think I'm happy today.
*me
Friday, April 9, 2010
A sharing
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A qoute
Yeah. That's why mom tells you not to play with fire.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I'm still
It's like the sun itself is not sure if she is warm anymore. The snow is melting but the grass is still dead. The ground is dead even if you say you saw the first flowers just recently. They say and they love but somehow it doesn't matter, because sun is up there after all. And she feels lonely. Or she doesn't feel at all. Numb. I heard that song. I didn't understand it at first, now i wish i never had.
*me
Monday, April 5, 2010
The perks of being young
Dear friend, (yeah I got it from Charlie)
I'm feeling a bit more like myself after getting to know Charlie. So thank you.
One of my closest friends turns 18 this week so I was looking at our old photos wondering about the present I should give her and there are many memories I love to remember and many of those make me smile, but there is just this one where I know I felt infinitive. At that moment I was too blind to see, but Charlie made me realize how important it is too see the place where you are, to actually see that place. So at those pictures we all are together. The people I treasure so much. It's one of those rare moments I felt like I truly belong there. That I make a difference and that maybe, maybe this place would miss me if I’m not there. I wish I knew how important it was back than. Running up the hill, making memories, feeling right. That’s the silver line.
*me
Saturday, April 3, 2010
The oven
I can feel time on my fingertips and the clock makes me whole. I think it's past dinner time.
* me
Friday, April 2, 2010
The guard of the rain
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The blinds
Dear, reader,
`Katrai lietai savs laiks.` Heh.
The cage
I know it may sound a bit dumb or you may say that I’m complaining too much, but, hey, maybe it might be the total opposite.
So what is it this time? oH. You see, I’m a bit tired of being the good girl. And, it's not like I am trying so much for someone other than me, `cause after all it's my future on the line, but I wish I had a bit more freedom. I think it's pretty fu**ed up that my parents don't trust me enough, or maybe they are just too scared to loose me, but that's not very nice of them. They are just using the fact that I love them too much. My grades are good, my behavior too, but I want a bit of a air to breathe. If there is anything I hate that that’s hurting them, so ..
They make me long for the time when I’ll be able to leave the house and the thought of it makes me hate myself `cause really? it's not like I’m a bird in a cage.
Putting that aside, have you heard the story about the bird in a cage? One of the most heart breaking stories out there. For us, who take such a thing as freedom for granted, the story will never be completely solved. That maybe is the beauty of it, the thought of something more. More then our mind is able to see. Just some tiny feeling our heart has recognized.
Still. Thanks for being here. I’m not gone complain anymore. Today. Heh.
* me
A tip
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
An a
Don't you dare to make me choose between a friend and a lover if you can't fulfill bouth of the roles.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A runaway
Hey,
So you take the person most important to you ( a friend, a mother, a sister or lover, anyone as long as it keeps you from loneliness) and a bag with the things you can’t live with out. It will probably be full of most hilarious things like toothbrush and pencils that seems to be strange to call as most important things, but they surely helps you keep on living in peace. Than you take a dozen of thing that makes you happy and dozen that makes you smile. To me it would be something delicious ‘ cause I’m all in for food. And something to smile for could be some pictures if you are ready to take the past with you, or some songs for the right feeling. Than you take something that totally represents you. Like the doll of childhood or the story of the book you love the most. Add something you just can’t say no to and wolla. You are ready. You’ll have a ground to work to. You’ll have something that always reminds you of what you truly are, something to help you when the new world seems to be a bit more complicated than you’d like and you’ll have a hand to help you when you fall. It’s not at all that complicated and of course it’s not simple. This, If you have everything described in here, honey I’ll never understand why you would like a new beginning. Maybe something went wrong at the place you found yourself. Than take this all and start all over. You will have the help. Believe me, you are not the only one desiring for a runaway.
Don’t be afraid if there is something you have not found yet, we always keep on missing something. Still, go.
So we took our things and left. Under the stars and in the rain, you’ll never now, when the place you search for might appear. And the road is full of adventures and emotions.
Maybe I could call this home tonight?
I’m voting for you.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Hey,
sorry for being absent for so long. I had lot on my mind and on my plate. The truth is I’m scared. Of lot of things, but this time one of them is too serious for me to handle. I'm sorry if I haven't been myself this week, but you have no idea what I went through and I hope you'll never have to understand it.
I'm afraid of my friend, really, really afraid, but I can't speak it out loud because than it'll be real and I don't want it to be real. Am I a bad person?
I don't have a religion to fall back to or anything as strong and of course I know that it’s my own fault, and maybe that's why I feel so sick. I believe in destiny and ...
I don't know what to say to make her feel better. I can hear the fear in her voice, but all I can say is some ridiculous babbling about my every day life to make her laugh. I always believed that laughing, smiling makes the bad thing go away. Do they really?
Most of all I want to be your sunshine, but I can't even light my own way.
But I still love you with eveything I got, so get better soon. I miss you next to me.
*me
Friday, February 26, 2010
A correction
Hello, my friend,
I guess what I want to say is that I'm tired of being underestimated. Tired of people looking down on me only because sometimes I love to act childish, or sometimes I'm not the most sociable person. Cause in the end it doesn't matter if you are a keener or cheerleader, the smart one or football player. At the end of the day they all are afraid to get hurt. Scared of being in love, being vulnerable. And I just know that mistakes doesn't look at our status in society, they just find us that interesting to spend time with. They like us all. Hell, if you are pretty or ugly, young or old, okay, but what ever! Mistakes don't give a shit. Neither should you.
The Crashing mountains
Hey,
Maybe that's not fair from me to think so much about him, but i really can't stop. If I ever had to choose the man of my life it would be him and him only.
I think he would be shocked to hear that he still is in my heart, after all, it's been so long, but somehow, i just can't erase him. When you have this one person in your life that means everything to you, you want to give him all you got. When he’s taken away the want still remains. So I’m still sending out my life not knowing if it reaches the destination. I would have given him everything, i did not know any other way. There was no one as important, no one who could ever replace his smile in my heart, the feeling of his arms around me, the words that played with the mountains of crashes just to stay in memory. `Don't be sad,` he once said, `I feel like I can't do anything when you’re sad, my only wish is to make you happy. I'm gonna buy us some ice cream, alright? I'm gonna buy you the biggest portion of kiwi ice cream just for your smile. So promise you will smile.`
I promise.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A contradiction
Hey, pretty one,
`Beautiful things never last. That's why fireflies flash.` (Ron Pop, Fireflies)
And I read a book yesterday ( I really did, it was so interesting I couldn't take my eyes off, so I finished it in one day, it's called `The French Gardener` by Santa Montefiore, check it if you want, I really recommend it, especially when you are feeling a little bit down or lost.) that made me realize how strong and deep love could actually be. We don't see it in nowadays, but I know it exists, I believe it does. It's a sad but breath taking story, like a Notebook, everyone had seen the film ( even if I was so late and saw it only this summer) , or like the Titanic ( I remember that first time I saw it - I didn't cry. I think I was too young than. The next time I saw it, I couldn’t stop crying. I already knew the scenario, I knew he would die, but it didn't change the fact that I didn't want him to. I don't want anybodies love to die. ).
I know the story is made up in someone’s head, maybe in someone’s, who longs for love just as much as the rest of us, but somewhere, somehow, I believe that the story had been a life time one. I believe that somewhere in the world lives The man and The women of each story ( I read only the good ones, so don't ask me about the others ^. - ) and they vitness something so strong, so deep, of which we got only a glimpse, maybe we got only the cherry. But that's nothing compered to all it has.
But the thing I wanted to tell you is that I think we should fight for our love. We should screw all the problems and find a way to make it work. Love is to make life more enjoyable, more free and easy. I think most of us have forgotten it these days. Or maybe they haven't , maybe that's way we live our life with this sad melancholy. I have a feeling life has more in it's case. And I’m hoping I won't be so dumb to let it pass me by. I hope you won't be to. Eh, I think you will grab it by your hands, yelling ` I was freaking looking forward for this, you know?`. I think that'll be great.
Friday, February 5, 2010
An Internet
Sometimes the whole world is in a little page full af words and persons you have never met in life. Where you can be what ever you want. And I’m afraid we will all grow fake this way.
Sometimes we forget to smile if there isn't a smiley in the end of our sentence. That’s how we grow up. And than comes this totally different person in you life laughing and shining like a crazy person and you don't know what to do anymore.
Well I'll advice this for you - just smile.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A thank you
Monday, February 1, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
An encouragement
Hey, You.
I can't stop thinking about the future and what awaits me and generation of nowadays.
There was a quote I fall in love with that said:
“People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands – literally thousands – of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss.” (High Fidelity)
And that's what made me think. The styles, the music, the books and writers we have now, they all are a little bit broken, and you can even say that's the only way to gain popularity. But i really don't want to be like that. I don't want to write sad stories about girls that are left in misery and boys that don't even know what they want from life. Words are the one thing that remains after writers death, so would you want them be sad and frustrating? I want them to heal, to encourage, to help. And I want them to associate with me. That’s how I’ll always be in the hearts of the persons I love. That's what I believe in.
But maybe that’s not so important now. We are young, we are wild and we are free. This is our chance to live. This is what counts. I won't lie, there will be dozens of chances still left for you, but if you have the courage, don't waste your time. Smile. Live. Laugh. Sing. Dance. Have sex. Live like you mean it. Live like every moment is the one you were looking forward all your life.
*Me
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I think he knew and that's what broke him.
Hey, pretty one. I wish you'd know why I write this. Maybe you do. But I'm happy. Because i can write again. Because I know he listens. I think he knew and that's what broke him. His name was Tuesday. He would through arrows of anger towards you if you giggle or say some ridiculous comment about his name, but still, everyone laughed, no one believed and he still threw arrows sometimes just because of habit. The name was the single interesting part of him. He was a loner. Sometimes I sat across him on that poor excuse of a table we had and thought that his name is suited for him. He was exactly like Tuesday. Mondays are the hard beginning, when all you can hope for is for the week to process as fast as it could. On Monday everyone waits for Wednesday, while it's the little Friday they say. Thursdays are when you feel obnoxious, Fridays are when you celebrate, Saturday and Sunday, you don't even have to describe them, they are what makes all week worth while. So what happens to Tuesday? It gets lost and unnoticed, that's what. And I can tell you, this boy was totally lost. He was my neighbor. I was his girl next door, though, a little less fancy, a little less sexy and a little less broken. And I knew he wouldn't want it any other way, because he was an artist, not a geek with millions of fantasies about girls in improper way. He was a poet. A good one. A sad one. Although that's inseparable, isn't it? Every good poet has his heart broken. On the first family, neighbor meeting I asked him on which day had he born. He looked at me with a sad smile on his lips and said that it was Thursday. It made me even more curious about his name, but he never said a thing about why he has a name of a day. (Sometime later my sister asked him the same question and his answer was completely different. He liked to play with my brains like that.) If there was a day when he wasn't at school it was Tuesday. You could ask him all you want but he'll never tell you where he goes on these days. After a while I just laughed it off and said that he just want to be more mysterious then he already is, his name, the days, no coincidence. He smiled and stayed quiet. He liked it this way. After school he went to college somewhere far away from our homes. He still sent me a letter every now and then, but it was just a formality. (A little bit later he admitted that I was his key to keep sane.) I wrote him back, babbling and chatting, but never mentioning the feelings I get from the empty seat across our poor excuse of a table. That was my key for keeping it sane. He died when he was 20, still in the college, still young and still broken. He died on Tuesday. Every mention of Tuesday, every Tuesday made me think of him. He surely is sitting somewhere on the cloud looking down on me with that sad smile and writing poetry. He probably knows that I can't keep him out of my head; he probably feels joy on that. Tuesday sees how I'm reading his poetry every night before drifting to sleep. He knows that soon everyone will be able to buy it, because I wished to tell people the story of his heart. And every syllable, every rank, every versa was as beautiful as his smile. I got money for something he wrote, and I knew he wouldn't care. Sometime I think that's why he even wrote it, so I had something to do, when he is not around. So I lived on with his words in my heart and waited for the moment to come. For the moment he described in his last poem. For the moment when "I'll be waiting for you" will be said aloud and the "I'll show you why" will become reality. |
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A promise
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It takes two to make it work
Hey, you.
I just had to write this down. For me, for you and just because.
He is amazing because he is more then he shows the world and you love it, - you are the only one who knows that.
He is nothing like those foolish guys that try to show the world how much better they are then anyone else, although, they don't even understand that there is n o s u c h a t h i n g - better then.
He is a mystery, your mystery.
Do not underestimate that.
You'll have trouble, cause in the end he is just like any other person with his own fears and problems, but you are the one he is not afraid to open up, so don't hurt him. And i promise if you do that, if you stand by him in troubles and moments of happiness, he will never hurt you.
He'll be your sun, your friend, your brother and lover. Boys like this are worth more then any money could ever buy. They are worth your heart.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year
Hey, pretty one.
So it's New Year again. And I have so much to wish you, but honestly I hope that someone have already sent their love and kisses to you. Still, honey, be happy this year. Just as happy as you get, when you hear that special song. You know - the one that gets your heart to melt? You probably are not aware of what I am talking right now, but soon you'll just hear it again in the radio and you'll know the feeling, and will never forget the song. It's like every string of your body and soul relaxes. It just breaths in and out, in and out, and on that perfect, pure moment you just smile. So I want those moments a lot more in your life this year. Song or no song, just enjoy your life.
Don't get scared when something new clings to your door. Be cautious, take it slow, but don't turn it down just because of fear. If you want, I'll help you with that.
Have fun!
With love, Evita.