Hey,

sorry for being absent for so long. I had lot on my mind and on my plate. The truth is I’m scared. Of lot of things, but this time one of them is too serious for me to handle. I'm sorry if I haven't been myself this week, but you have no idea what I went through and I hope you'll never have to understand it.

I'm afraid of my friend, really, really afraid, but I can't speak it out loud because than it'll be real and I don't want it to be real. Am I a bad person?

I don't have a religion to fall back to or anything as strong and of course I know that it’s my own fault, and maybe that's why I feel so sick. I believe in destiny and ...

I don't know what to say to make her feel better. I can hear the fear in her voice, but all I can say is some ridiculous babbling about my every day life to make her laugh. I always believed that laughing, smiling makes the bad thing go away. Do they really?

Most of all I want to be your sunshine, but I can't even light my own way.

But I still love you with eveything I got, so get better soon. I miss you next to me.

*me